Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.