Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.