The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.