As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.