[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.