Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
crying
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave