I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.