The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.