Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor