Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.