Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork