Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight