Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.