I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I need to get some bricks…
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*