I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Thoughts
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
lol
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly