*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.