I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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Kids, do not try this at home!
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
#Caturday
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.