crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.