@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.