OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
You Might Also Like
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.