Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You learn something every day
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.