Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You Might Also Like
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.