Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Gemma Correll
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.