[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.