“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”