“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.