[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
nice challenge
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Beards are a privilege, not a right
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.