That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.