I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.