[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
❤️🦆