I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.