I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
as is their right
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.