This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.