Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance