13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Lmaoo 😂