*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
iPhone X
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship