her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.