[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day