[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”