Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
You Might Also Like
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
This January has 47 Mondays
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.