I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”