If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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My boss called in sick of me
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I am also baked goods
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.