MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
fixed it
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.