One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.