The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The biggest mystery of our time
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I’m listening
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?