A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
When you’ve simply given up.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow