I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Weirdos gonna weird.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p