I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You Might Also Like
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.