Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Natural selection at its finest
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie