Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
moms in horror movies
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?